SAN DIEGO, CA — Following Pope Francis’ passing on April 21st, the Catholic Church is looking to hit a real home run selecting the next leader of 1.4 billion faithful world wide. Vatican insiders now suggest an unlikely frontrunner: the San Diego Padres’ very own Swingin’ Friar.
According to sources, there is growing support for the rotund, robed mascot to get the call when the white smoke rises from the Sistine Chapel.
“Contrary to popular belief, one does not have to be a cardinal to become pope,” explained Dr. Beatrice Papalopolis, a professor of theology at Georgetown. “In fact, the St. Louis Cardinals’ mascot, Fredbird, is almost certainly ineligible—even though he’s technically a Cardinal—because he appears to be some sort of anthropomorphic mutant bird.”
While the papacy has long been dominated by Italians, recent history has seen global representation with Pope John Paul II from Poland and Pope Francis from Argentina. In that light, a Fred-Flintstone-looking Californian friar with a hot dog cannon may not be as far-fetched as it sounds.
Not everyone is happy with the prospect; the Swingin’ Friar’s giant foam head and unblinking smile strike some as off-putting, and there are concerns of unorthodoxy, as many believe that he is fully in favor of firing t-shirts into the crowds from the balcony at the Vatican.
Those wary of a Swingin’ Friar papacy can take solace that nothing is certain yet. “Let’s not forget,” one senior bishop remarked, “it would be very on-brand for a San Diego contender to collapse in the final stretch.”
