In a bold move to embrace what fans call the “true SoCal derby spirit,” Major League Soccer reportedly floated a new initiative: official fan cage fights at all future San Diego FC vs. LA matches, with the victorious supporters awarded free tacos, commemorative brass knuckles, and a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card redeemable at select San Diego County jails.
“Look, the rivalry’s already at DEFCON 1,” said MLS Spokesperson, Chip Hooligan, while dodging a flying churro outside Snapdragon Stadium. “Our security budgets are getting hammered. At this point, why not monetize the chaos and give everyone what they clearly want: fight night, with salsa on the side.”
According to leaked league proposals, future derbies would feature pre-game weigh-ins, post-match apology circles, and a taco truck cage-side. Mexican wrestling masks will be distributed at the gates, so everyone can unleash their inner Luchador—if they haven’t already after five tallboys and an $18 stadium margarita.
Fans are divided. Diego Ramírez, president of the SDFC Ultras, is ready: “Win or lose—bro, as long as the tacos are al pastor, I’ll risk the misdemeanor.” Meanwhile, LA supporters advocate for vegan taco options and a neutral venue—preferably somewhere closer to Malibu.
MLS brass remain optimistic. “This just might be the shot in the arm American soccer needs,” mused Hooligan. “Soccer, tacos, and bail money—it’s the beautiful game, elevated.”
Kickoff for the next cage match is expected once the league upgrades medical coverage and finds a taco sponsor brave enough to handle the heat.
