San Diego — As the City of San Diego prepares to close public restrooms at beaches for the winter, officials expected waves of concern from local residents—especially in Ocean Beach, where the lines to the communal, sand-blasted bathrooms are often as legendary as the waves themselves. But in a surprising twist, OB locals collectively shrugged at the news, assuring city council that ‘sidewalks and alleyways work just fine.’
“Honestly, the bathroom closures won’t affect my routine in the slightest,” said lifelong Ocean Beach resident and philosophical rollerblader Scooter Jon, pausing to wash his hands in a mysterious, permanent puddle outside the 7-Eleven. “We’ve been going au naturel since the great Porta-Potty scandal of 2003. The world is my restroom. It’s way more sustainable!”
The San Diego Parks & Recreation Department’s announcement that it would shutter several beachside ‘comfort stations’ between November and March was met with a mixture of apathy and pride. Dozens of locals boasted about their years of ‘urban composting,’ some touting a secret ‘OB Pipeline’ — not to be confused with the surf break — which is, allegedly, just a clever conga line of people waiting to relieve themselves behind the alley dumpsters at Hodad’s.
City spokesperson Benny Cartwright reassured the public that there are plenty of alternatives nearby: “If you get the urge while enjoying OB, just take a scenic detour to the restroom at Dog Beach or, as locals already know, any large bush on Newport Avenue. We really recommend the palm tree in front of the Java Garden—just don’t look up.”
The move is all part of a broader budget-cutting initiative. When asked if the city feared another Hepatitis A outbreak, Cartwright replied, “We’re hoping the ocean’s natural cleansing properties will help. Plus, OB residents developed strong antibodies somewhere around 1997. Honestly, they’re sort of our test group.”
Tourists, meanwhile, have been spotted wandering aimlessly, clutching smartphones with ‘public restroom’ apps spinning in futility. “It said there was a bathroom right here!” yelled one father of three as his youngest child relieved himself with an admirable lack of self-consciousness next to the world’s most Instagrammed VW bus.
Encouraged by the nonchalance, one city official suggested that future cost-saving measures might include replacing all restrooms with inspirational murals—”Because everyone knows, art is the real relief,” he said.
For now, Ocean Beach remains laid-back, slightly fragrant, and steadfast in its belief that, in the great outdoors, everyone is free to answer the call of nature—preferably somewhere with a nice ocean breeze.
