SAN DIEGO, CA — In a bold move hailed by sports fans and embittered bartenders alike, the City of San Diego has announced sweeping new tariffs on imports from Los Angeles, with a particularly punitive 34% tax on all goods sold to Dodgers fans. Effective Tuesday, April 22, the tariff aims to “discourage unwelcome commerce and bad vibes,” according to city officials.
Petco Park will also begin collecting a 45% surcharge on all tickets sold to Dodgers fans — a fee that stadium reps say will help cover the emotional toll on Padres fans sitting nearby.
The Dodgers tariff is part of the broader San Diego Tariff Initiative, a citywide effort to preserve local culture. Other notable tariffs, according to the San Diego Tariff Fact Sheet, include:
- Old dudes with parrots on their shoulder: 10%
- “Semi-professional” ultimate frisbee players: 10%
- Douchebags: 45% (stackable with Dodgers fan tariff)
- Soul-searching, free-spirited travel nurses: 15% — may be waived because it’s tough being in a new city – what are you doing after your shift?
Reactions to the tariffs have been mixed. While many locals praised the initiative — calling it “long overdue”, local business owners are less thrilled.
A coalition of small business leaders in Pacific Beach has already begun lobbying City Hall to lower the douchebag tariff. The group, led by Shore Club, is requesting exemptions for patrons named “Chad” or “Kyle,” as well as anyone with a Boston or New Jersey birth certificate.
Meanwhile, tensions are rising across state lines. In response to San Diego’s proposed 25% tax on Zonies who drive 15 under in the fast lane, Arizona lawmakers are threatening a retaliatory tariff: 50% on broke, middle-class Californians trying to start over in Phoenix.
