California, USA — With the passage of Proposition 36, California voters have sent a clear message to habitual shoplifters, petty thieves, and professional impulse-takers: repeat offenders will now face felony charges, even if they swipe items under $950. As a result, the state’s professional thief community is reportedly weighing its options, with Oregon emerging as a top contender for relocation.
“I mean, this is California, you know? We’re supposed to be chill about a little bit of unapproved borrowing,” said Randy “Two-Fingers” Johnson, a long-time Los Angeles purse snatcher and unofficial spokesperson for the coalition of small-time bandits now planning their next move. “But three years in state prison for taking a pair of shoes? That’s, like, serious time. So we’re all looking at Oregon. Word is, they’re way more lenient up there.”
According to sources, Oregon’s current laws for low-level thefts appear less restrictive than Prop 36’s new mandates. Johnson and his fellow petty crime practitioners are even organizing a Facebook group titled “Oregon Bound” to streamline the transition. “If California’s gonna crack down, we’ll just take our skills somewhere with better conditions,” he added. “I hear Portland’s got a killer selection of artisanal mugs and barely secured bicycles.”
Meanwhile, Oregon residents have taken to social media to voice concerns over the anticipated “petty crime migration.” Several Portlanders tweeted worries about “California’s entrepreneurial spirit coming north,” prompting Oregon lawmakers to discuss preventive measures, including what one official called a “scouting phase” for repeat offenders.
